User blog:Toon Ganondorf/Top 105 heat wins in UK Robot Wars

Once upon a time, I wrote a blog about the top ten heat runs by UK Semi-Finalists. The discussion came up again recently, as pretty much any robot topic does, between Toast, Nick and I. Following on from Toast and Nick’s entertaining blog on the ultimate ranking of the UK Series, Nick and I decided to blow this one out on a massive scale and rank all 105 heat wins from best to worst.

Don’t worry, the top 10 has definitely changed from last time, and I imagine Nick’s has too. I will still be using the same criteria as I did on the last time. This time I won’t be assigning numbers, but rather making comments.
 * Impressiveness: The performance of the robot is something to behold. Quality of opponents was high. The way they overcame adversity.
 * Entertainment: Was it fun to watch? Was it a blow out or was it a nail biter? Remember, both of those can be good in their own way and bad in their own way.
 * Memorability: When you think Robot Wars, how long until this one comes up? The opponents you defeated might come in here.
 * Re-watchable: The biggest one for me. A fight can be like a movie - I'll love it, but not rush to revisit. The best Robot Wars fights are ones you can rewind and watch again.

I will link you to Nweston's blog when it is available.

105. Firestorm 2 (Series 4)
It seems strange to begin the list with the most lauded semi-finalist of all time, yet I struggled to think of any robot with a heat win as terrible as Firestorm 2. Rewatching this heat for NJGW’s live Firestorm 2 podcast (stay tuned) was a chore. It fought in the first round and collected a safe, standard Firestorm style win over The Morgue. Good. Let’s set the stage for some excitement. And whilst we did get some excitement, it wasn’t the right kind. But now I’m getting ahead of myself. First we have to endure one of the worst fights of all time. Most of the fault lies with those who made this draw – Firestorm lacking its precision wedge was never going to slide beneath Bolt from the Blue’s clearance, and Bolt from the Blue’s compression air lifting arm was never going to take out Firestorm 2, a reliable self-righter. What happened was a terrible display of bumping and failed attacks that Firestorm 2 won almost certainly by the judges picking the robot more likely to justify its place proceeding in the tournament. To this day I’m sure Bolt from the Blue are salty, and whilst I do not like their dull robot, I do sympathise. Onto the heat final, the producers decline to show any previews of the route to that point, presumably because it would drown hype for a predictable conclusion since the highlights involved Firestorm 2 KO-ing The Morgue earlier in the episode, and because it would force some poor assistant editor to pick “highlights” from Firestorm 2’s progression over Bolt from the Blue. Here is where we do actually get excitement, because the fight doesn’t end the typical Firestorm fashion you’d expect, it ends with the Morgue beached and Firestorm self-pitted. There would be very clear grounds to boot Firestorm from the tournament – King Buxton wasn’t in the pit in Series 3 for example, the show had no precedents to declare a robot dipping below the rim “pitted”. But the powers that were chose to put Firestorm 2 through to the semi-final on a fairly dubious decision.
 * Impressive: No. It won two dubious decisions presumably based on future entertainment factor that was never delivered. It also avoided the two robots with the most pedigree in its heat – Diotoir (crippled though it was) and Ming 2.
 * Entertainment: I refer you to the entirety of Bolt from the Blue v Firestorm 2.
 * Memorability: Oh yes, but for all the wrong reasons.
 * Re-watchable: Let’s just say I will be happy putting another 9 years on before I ever watch this heat again

104. Bodyhammer (Series 1)
Another strange one for the lowest rungs of the list; Bodyhammer was one of the Grand Finalists of Series 1. But as I’ve said many times on the Wiki, it was really blessed to get there. It completes the Gauntlet in third place, but by now this is no longer a huge deal to the viewing audience in the fifth heat. Its weapon breaks shortly after, reducing it to the effectiveness of Buzz Lightyear under a witch’s hat. In the Labyrinth, as we all know, it comes a pretty dismal fourth, ahead of a robot that never moved, though the show insists it came second for unknown reasons. I’ve always suspected Bodyhammer got a helpful nudge more than once in its heat in the same way Razer did years later. It seems odd to get so much help when literally everyone is an entrenched non-favourite without cash cow status. Whatever reason, Bodyhammer wins a fairly convincing fight over Torque of the Devil, despite the rankings dictating it fight REALI-T. When that fight eventually came in the heat final, as I’ve documented, Bodyhammer loses by immobilsation on the grill and it requires a suicidal house robot to rescue it. REALI-T is immobilized trying to defend its victory and Bodyhammer qualifies with a very sour taste in our mouths.
 * Impressive: It takes some skill to complete the Gauntlet and it did defeat an opponent, but the bar is set pretty low, and points are lost for a lackluster Trial and for losing the heat final.
 * Entertainment: As Series 1 fights go, Bodyhammer v Torque of the Devil isn’t bad, but the heat final and Trials are both pretty sad affairs.
 * Memorability: Yes, but again for the wrong reasons.
 * Re-watchable: It’s a fairly rewatchable heat. The controversy lends me to studying the many ways Bodyhammer was helped, and the Labyrinth is a novel trial. It’s very similar to Firestorm 2’s, but doesn’t feature a hideous second round fight.

103. Wheely Big Cheese (Series 4
You’d probably struggle to find a robot more desirable to ratings-hungry producers than Wheely Big Cheese. Coming off back-to-back heat finals, including a titanic clash against the eventual champion, Roger Plant took a robot and built a flipper around it. Tungsten spiked wheels, a name that was easy to remember and a flipper the size of Jonathan Pearce’s mouth, Wheely Big Cheese was the most awesome looking thing in the first half of a series which included Razer, Mortis, Dominator 2 and Gemini. The problem was that Roger Plant knew it. He knew that Prizephita and Wheelosaurus were so beneath his robot that he didn’t even try to fight them. He took on the house robots in a rather lackluster performance, and eventually Wheely Big Cheese sat in the middle of the arena literally yawning with boredom. It did get a pair of tiny, obligatory attacks on Prizephita Mk 2 that may or may not have had some effect (hard to see how) before the House Robots had to step in and actually do the fighting. Wheely Big Cheese ended up wedged pitifully beneath Killalot, failing to do the thing they actually wanted to do, and ending up in the pit. Fortunately, the judges intervened to spare them a justifiable first round loss. What can be said about the fight between Wheely Big Cheese and Killertron? It provided the money shot that the producers were hoping for. The fight was one sided and was only going to go one way. As for the heat final, even more controversy arises. Wheely Big Cheese’s left-hand wheel hits a problem and it ends up in Dead Metal’s CPZ. Suicidal Tendencies keeps the pressure on and has lifting forks beach the wheels. Suicidal Tendencies is having track problems, though not in any way due to Wheely Big Cheese, who doesn’t get a single flip in the entire fight. Eventually, Wheely Big Cheese nosedives into the pit and through some fast and lose interpretation of the rules, proceeds to the semi-finals.
 * Impressive: Wheely Big Cheese a few big flips in, all on Killertron, which really only shows that it can throw an 80kg, barely mobile machine. Not enough to line up with Chaos 2 or even Steg 2 or Thermidor 2 from previous heats.
 * Entertainment: Not really. Plant didn’t really want to fight any of his opponents, but rather the House Robots, which he failed at. The money shot on Killertron was something special, but one picture does not an impressive heat make.
 * Memorability: Surprisingly no. Take the clip of Wheely Big Cheese v Killertron in isolation, and the rest of the fight is startlingly forgettable. I couldn’t tell you the blow by blow for the heat final either. The first round fight with Prizephita and WHeelosaurus is the most memorable of the three, and that’s not a top 300 fight.
 * Re-watchable: There’s nothing offensively boring about this heat, but it hurts to see such an undeserved run of success.