Let's be honest here - Robot Wars, whatever the series has had its fair share of robots more that you wouldn't really accuse of committing "war" on our TV screens. I'm thinking more "embarrassing" "dire" and of course "hilarious" would be more accurate synonyms for the miserable machines we had to watch get completely annihilated until it almost became platitudinous by the 7th series. I'm talking about scrap piles like Cobra, Oblivion 2, Pain, Henry - I could go on.
And I intend to. In celebration of Robot wars competitors' pathetic attempts at machinery, here are the top 5 worst looking robots for the series that is now ever so close (if the BBC would announce an air date for the bloody thing).
5. The General
Hey, I'm as happy as the next guy that The General's finally getting a shot at the main competition after looking tidy in its sole series 3 appearance, but here - it's anything but tidy. This thing looks like something you'd make on Robot Arena 2 when you were seven - I mean take a look at those sawblades! They look like they're gonna be touching the floor more than me after a round of sambuca. I'm probably wrong on that last statement, but it doesn't prevent thoughts that they simply aren't going to cause any problems for anyone in its heat, not to mention those wheels - Christ, they're more exposed than a cash-strapped prostitute.
4. Terror Turtle
I feel somewhat guilty for putting a joke robot on this list, but... it's Terror Turtle. It never won a battle in the classic series - which was 12 years ago. Robots have evolved since then, but Terror Turtle stays faithful to its original design - with fibreglass armour and a wooden (yes, wooden) chassis. The team allegedly thinks it "will be better for its ability not to transmit shock to its interior workings". They'll be getting a shock when they find out it doesn't. Or maybe they will and I'm wrong. There's also this featherweight accompanying the turtle this time that looks suspiciously like Micro Mute called The Hatchling, which I have no doubt Sir Killalot will have a fun time hatching to see what's inside it. Probably wooden f***ing wires.
3. Chimera
Right, now we're onto the real stinkers. I'd like to begin by stating that Chimera in all its anti-glory is grossly underweight - it's like a bleeding catwalk model, it's that light in comparison to the other robots. This thing just looks like what roboteers in Series 3 and 4 used to build before Stinger came along and set the benchmark for axlebots. Not only is it painfully slow at 6mph - a fat kid could probably outrun it - its weapon just looks spindly, ineffective and overall less menacing than Radamel Falcao in a Manchester United shirt. If one of those wheels isn't ripped off, shame on its opponents.
2. Sweeney Todd
Good lord. Sweeney Todd, a robot in a competition where the weight limit is 110kgs, weighs in at 45kgs. Are you serious? I could bench press this thing. It's the kind of thing you'd see on inaccurate parodies of Robot Wars. And then you realise that its weapon is an angle grinder, of all things. It's more outdated than the packet of biscuits that's been in my auntie's pantry for the past 10 years. To speak more technically for a second, its body shape really isn't going to help it either, being the perfect height for axes and and sides flatter than Emma Watson's chest (sorry) that spinners will love (that's ST's sides, not Emma Watson's chest). It's in a reasonably strong heat as well, so don't blink or you'll miss Sweeney Todd. Actually, do blink - it's probably for the best.
1. Overdozer
Continuing the tradition of having a crap Scottish robot in every series of Robot Wars is Overdozer. Jesus Christ, I actually don't know where to begin. What am I even looking at? Let's start on that shameful weight of 86kgs - at least have a minibot to run around with you if you're that light like Terror Turtle does. But the weight issue is merely the tip of this embarrassment of an iceberg. I wonder what it's made out of? Hardox maybe? Titanium? Or maybe MDF? What? Are you serious? It's thick at 18mm, but so are the bloody roboteers for even considering making a wooden robot. Its weapon is something formerly used to cut grass, and its ground clearance is higher than a depressed poet. And, of course, no scrimech. Because why not, we've already made something so terrible it would have had trouble in 1998. And that's what it looks like - a robot 18 years out of date. They let this mound of metallic mirth (sorry, wooden woefulness) qualify but not Toxic 2, Tanto and even Diotoir if the rumours are true? Goodness gracious me.